


Making a fool of yourself

by Pelissa



Series: MIA REU [1]
Category: Biohazard | Resident Evil (Gameverse), Resident Evil - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Intersex Wesker, M/M, Multi, Stars team, don't use it folks, fun shit happens, the worst pick-up line in history
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2017-09-04
Packaged: 2018-12-23 23:16:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11999988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pelissa/pseuds/Pelissa
Summary: Chris notices the good looks of his captain but it's not like he wants anything from him. But then Wesker comes clean with his team and tells them everything. Really everything. With his little son in his arms and Chris is thoroughly smitten with them both and therefore absolutely fucked.It can only go downhill from here.





	Making a fool of yourself

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is entirely my father's fault.  
> Whenever I draw a character with longer hair he asks me "What's the pretty lady's name?" even though it is CLEARLY a man (it is a running gag in my family). And he did the same when I drew Wesker which cursed me with the idea of an intersex Albet Wesker (God damn it)
> 
> And then, oh my god, he had to make that DAMN joke the very same day. THAT DAMN PICK-UP LINE. And I had to write a story for that line.  
> I wrote it in one go and their might be ten thousand mistakes in it (XD). Have fun!

 

Chris had a problem.

It’s not like he hadn’t noticed before.

His captain was a looker, quite stunning to be honest. Tall, blond, lean built with the right amount of muscles, icy blue eyes – he occasionally took of his sunglasses already before that _incident_ – the perfect looks. Just like a model. And that navy blue shirt underlined the blue of his eyes in a way that made women swoon.

Apparently it was also the perfect look for working as a double agent.

And the look on Forest’s face was priceless. Turns out he had to report back to Umbrella as well. His sister was working for their company and he got threatened by them. Umbrella was using her as leverage. Something like that.  That was another fun discussion, but not important right now.

 

His captain told them of Umbrella a few months into their new working arrangement. The best people from various fields with admirable skills were chosen to work in a special task force of the RPD called STARS; small teams of capable men working on the more serious cases in the city – drugs, terrorism and so on. That kind of stuff. It was his last chance at a job in this line of work and he was trying his best not to fuck up. Not that it was a hard task. His captain was thoroughly calculating their every step and made good decisions based on facts, like he studied a manual on ‘how to act in every situation’ by heart, but was also listening to suggestions from his team. One hell of a captain and he was proud to follow him.

And then a lot happened. Mayor life changing things.

A call from Europe and their captain threw aside all his work and instantly left for Edonia, coming back three weeks later with a little child in his arms. His son. That was a shocker. The summary of that story was long and one hell of an emotional rollercoaster with a lot of ups and downs. That was also the same moment he told them of Umbrella.

Albert Wesker hadn’t known the whole story himself and found out the truth to his life and Umbrella in Edonia, leaving him confused, angry and shattered. A lot of Whiskey accompanied that story. To summarize it as shortly as possible:

His family got murdered. He underwent conditioning and forced brain surgery. He was kept in a facility with other children – like an orphanage – and was constantly monitored by Umbrella, without his knowledge. This was called the Wesker project. One hell of a scientific project. Other children died during that project for Christ’s sake. Well, then he was in boarding school, finally confronted with more freedom and the needed money to choose his education. Lastly his job at Umbrella.

 

And now the burner of the story. The guy responsible for the Wesker project decided to have another go at this fucked up experiment. But this time he didn’t want to solely rely on pure chance to get good soldiers for Spencer – he was like a cult leader for Umbrella. The scientist wanted to mix the –in his mind- superior genes of people together, adding the DNA of Wesker children. In short: perfect tube babies.

And that is where that woman made her appearance in the story. An immigrant with remarkable IQ and science skills but a horrible disease. She got a job at Umbrella with a promise for help with her disease and then secretly became their first guinea pig for Wesker project 2.0. They combined her DNA with Albert Wesker’s. Coincidentally, somewhere along that time she met Wesker.

 

Fast forward now. She found out about the whole story, the secret baby and that their next step was to inject said baby with a virus, different to their plan for the first generation of Wesker children, who would receive that virus later in life. And she read about the calculated survival rate. That was enough for her to break into the closed off space of the facility and save that child -her child- and steal a lot of documents. She also placed a bomb into that facility and made sure to stop that project and take a leave with a loud bang. After that she fled, going back to Edonia and hiding there with her child.

She expected them to find her eventually and arranged a package with all the information needed for their captain – entrusted to a close friend - in case she died, which she did, but of natural cause through her disease. Then the phone call, he flying over there, finding that child and reading the truth about everything in those files. Etc.

 

After that he came clean with his team and told them everything, wanting to end Umbrella and Spencer, but also wanting to protect that child and therefore sticking to legal methods, thus asking his team for help.

It was awkward. Especially seeing him with that nearly 5 year old boy in his arms.

It got more awkward when the story was still not fully told and one of the guys, Brad, asked him if he fathered that child on purpose - they weren’t romantically involved (maybe one or two one-night-stands?), but the letter she wrote to him suggested she would have liked the idea - and got a leveled glare and a an ‘I wouldn’t have been able to even if I wanted to or knew about any of this’ in a flat tone. Which lead to more awkwardness and questions, and another scandalous truth, caused by the alcohol cursing through their captain’s veins. There was no way he would have admitted _this_ otherwise.

Their captain apparently was … intersex? Hermaphrodite? (Chris wasn’t so sure about the term) Appearance fully male but with woman parts between his legs. Brad couldn’t stop blushing and whimpering after he got verbally destroyed by their captain after a startled laugh and the question _‘Can you poop out babies?_ ’ escaped his lips. Everyone felt sorry for him. That was quite painful to watch, but Brad had a talent for saying the wrong things all the time – appropriately known as the one who constantly had his foot in his mouth. Brad kind of deserved that punishment.

 

Anyway.

Since he was now regularly seeing his captain interact with his cute baby boy - and his behaviour changing and him becoming less disgusted by the idea of openly showing his feelings - it was becoming harder and harder for Chris to look away. The worried question from his captain at what age it was okay to feed his son chocolate was so adorable, it made Jill gasp in delight, but luckily for her it was a silent gasp and therefore going unnoticed by their captain. Knowing what was between Wesker’s legs didn’t help either. And wondering if one could actually knock him up CERTAINLY didn’t help, making Chris’ imagination run wild.

Fortunately or unfortunately (however you want to look at it), Wesker spent every free minute with his son, trying to give him a warm and stable home, or getting his hands on evidence against Umbrella and therefore hardly had time to talk with his teammates outside their workplace. It limited Chris’ interactions with his darn hot captain and reduced the opportunities to accidentally spill the beans and make a fool of himself.  

 

The day Chris knew he was damned was when little Jake once again accompanied Wesker, for their captain would work only a 2-3 hours some days and then walk out again, leaving the alpha team in Enrico’s and Chris’ hands. The team was understanding and used to it by now. As soon as they entered Jake immediately became the attention of the whole office. The boy was just too adorable and shy of other people. Understandable after everything he went through. He certainly missed his _(other)_ mother. Yes, some of their team members found it funny calling Wesker his other mother, which earned them overtime or another, far more horrible punishment. They made those jokes in secret then, peeking over their shoulder, scared of someone catching them. Wesker still had that slightly scary aura surrounding him which demanded respect and awe. Having a little child strapped to his body didn’t change that.

The little boy played with a small toy, a plush dog named ‘Fox’ (funnily enough), and Barry couldn’t stop himself from crouching down next to the boy and playing with him, picking up a plush giraffe that came along with the dog. He was a father himself after all. Wesker studied that scene for a minute, and Chris could have sworn he saw the smallest hint of a smile on his lips, before reminding Barry that he got payed for working and not for playing with toys. The fact that he waited a minute made Chris’ heart beat a bit more for his captain. He knew he needed to stop thinking about Wesker. Engaging in relationships with a colleague is a terrible idea and Chris was pretty sure Wesker preferred women. 

He found himself imagining a big house with a white fence, a big garden and a flock of children with his captain anyway, and that was a fantasy he didn’t expect having with the young age of 24. Chris was thoroughly fucked.

 

Wesker and Jake were about to leave soon and the boy asked in such a shy and polite manner for a cup of cocoa before they would do so, that Chris took matters in his own hands and sprinted off to the mini fridge in their office and picked up the milk for his drink - the boy had wormed his way into his heart as well it seemed. Jake accomplished this task rather fast, having only stayed with Wesker for roughly 3-4 months so far. 

Chris got the cocoa powder and heated up some water. It reminded him of the times when he had done this for his little sister. It hadn’t been his duty for long, with Claire growing up so fast and being way too mature for her age. He couldn’t really focus on that memory, though, because he felt Wesker and Jake starring at his back while he was preparing the boy’s drink, and that wasn’t good for his stress-level.

When he mixed everything together, he handed the drink over to Jake with the handle facing him, mindful of the heat of the cup. The boy accepted the drink with a small smile and showed his beverage to Wesker. “You too?” he asked, offering for him to take a sip. Wesker hesitated with his answer and Chris took it as a sign of Wesker actually wanting some and started brewing up a second cup for his captain right away.

Wesker gave him a look of amusement when Chris handed him his cup in the same manner, but didn’t comment on it – phew - and answered him with a short clipped ‘thank you’, accommodated by a smile. And because he wasn’t wearing his sunglasses – Jakes was scared of them which lead to him wearing them seldom around the boy – Chris could see his eyes crinkling a bit, eyes shining in the midday sun, and it was the most beautiful look on his captain’s handsome face.

Yup, he was head over heels for him.

**__________**

 

They had scored compromising evidence against Umbrella, not nearly enough to ruin them, but it would hurt their image considerably. They would store it together with the rest in a safe place, before using it against the corporation when they had collected enough to destroy them forever. In any case it was a success and they were celebrating with a round of drinks in a small bar close to the police department.

Due to its location it became known as police bar, providing it with a friendly, non-violent atmosphere and forming a save space for other customers. The music wasn’t too loud and the snacks were good, making it the ideal place to hang out after long working hours. Captain Wesker was finally ready to leave his son alone with a baby sitter and joined them in their small victory party. Joseph threw the first round, paying immediately and adding a fine tip, probably to impress the pretty waitress. She left with a smile and an empty tray, but without another word. She not even acknowledged his pick-up line, making a few of the others laugh at Joseph’s failed – and admittedly bad – attempt at flirting.

Chris patted his back, trying to lessen the embarrassment for him, but Joseph kept scowling at the others who dared to laugh at his expense for the next 5 minutes.

Thirty more minutes into the night and all of them had entered the stage of tipsiness, some on their way of getting really drunk. Chris, Barry and Wesker were not too far gone yet. Barry and Wesker for the same reason, having small children who were needing responsible parents. Chris because he feared he would say something he would later regret and leaving him unable to look into his captain’s eyes ever again. Good resolutions of his. It didn’t matter, though, being as a few seconds later he entered a drinking competition with Richard, Forest and Kenneth. Brad wanted to test his drinking abilities as well, but Jill stopped him, because she refused to drag his drunken ass into a taxi again.

Kenneth won and earned five bucks from the others.

Damn it.

 

Now Chris was drunk. Great. And he was telling Brad about his love problems. Really fucking great. At least his drunken mind remembered to leave out important details like ‘working together’, ‘my boss’ and names. Brad was really attentive and hung on his lips, absorbing every word – he had no love life of his own and was desperate for any story, in this case Chris’ story. There was a reason for that _(‘constantly his foot in his mouth’)_ , and Chris really shouldn’t listen to his advice, but anything coming from him sounded like sacred wisdom in Chris’ condition and he tried to remember it all.

A few minutes later Joseph declared he would demand the waitress’ number and that was the sign for the more sober participants to call it a night and get the drunkards home. Jill avoided helping Brad and instead dragged Joseph away from the waitress and outside to the fresh air. Crisis averted.

 

Chris, however, was faced with a huge problem. His captain decided to help him walk outside and stand upright while they waited for their taxis. Just his luck. And Wesker looked so damn good even after a long exhausting work day.

And of course he now remembered Brad’s advice. A part of him screamed at him to not do it, but his brain was too intoxicated by the alcohol to stop this mistake from happening. It was like watching someone else starting a conversation with his captain and making a fool of himself. He would later describe it as seeing his own body crashing face first into a wall from a safe distance (a train wreck, really), because of the disastrous result. Too bad it was his drunk stupid ass and not some other idiot.

Chris stopped leaning against Wesker and tried his best to stand upright without help, turning to face Wesker and delivering that blasted line from Brad with so much confidence he would have cried from laughter if he had witnessed someone else saying it.

That small sober voice inside his brain desperately tried to stop him.

 

“You know…”

 

_Stop it you idiot!_

 

“Your kid 'ss really ugly.”

 

_For the love of God, stop it!_

 

“I could make ya a prettier one...”

 

_Nooooooooooooo!_

 

“…just gimme a call.”

 

His life was over. Especially since he ended that line by squeezing his captain’s butt.

And he really should have expected that punch to his face afterwards.

 

**Author's Note:**

> AHAHAHAHAHA  
> HaHa...  
> Ha...
> 
> How can I continue this? :'D


End file.
